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A Chat With Saddam
By Ed Howes, Fri Dec 9th
He never did say why he chose to call me, but for the past fewmonths I have enjoyed some rather lively chats with Saddam. Hesaid he has been wanting to speak to America and the rest of theworld and he should only have to call one of us. He said hecould have published his thoughts on the Internet, but heprefers the give and take of conversation. Our earlyconversations were personal enough, Saddam did not want themrecorded or published, so I agreed to keep that between us. Thetranscript that follows is from a recent chat we had and Saddamrequested I record and publish. Ed: Hi Saddam, what is happening with you lately? Saddam: Things are great! It is much less stressful living herein the U.S.
Ed: You're kidding me, right? Saddam: Maybe. Why does the idea surprise you? Ed: Because U.S. security is so tight these days. Saddam: Now it's you who are kidding, right? Every day, dozensand sometimes a hundred poor people come into the U.S.,uninvited. Don't you read the papers or watch TV? Ed: Good point! Aren't you afraid of being seen? Saddam: No. Over the past six months, I've had some excellentplastic surgery. I don't look much like my old self, but I mustsay I have never looked this good. None of my old friendsrecognize me. I am living with some old friends now and I reallydon't need to go out much and tempt fate. If you should see mewith my friends, I'm the handsome Oriental man. Cute huh? Ed: Clever, I'd say. Have you been listening to the news sinceyou've been here? Saddam: Of course! It's really good for laughs. Ed: This is true. So you have noticed that every day they talkabout your weapons of mass destruction? Why can't they find them? Saddam: I sent them all to friends before the invasion; friendsall over the world. Ed: I was under the impression you didn't have too many friends. Saddam: It's funny about impressions. If you have been followingthe news, you know the Americans and their friends come underattack nearly every day. There are just a few of my friendsbehind that. To be honest with you, I have never been so popularin the world. Ed: Is that so? Saddam: Yes. Most are new friends, since the Iraqi Freedomthing. I think it's about ten million of them but I don't wantto boast. Did you ever hear that I am a very rich man? It'strue. I can buy anything I want, any time, any where. I can buyfriends, weapons, cars, houses, anything. But I don't have tobuy friends and many of my friends would give me whatever Iasked of them. Is that so hard to believe? Ed: Not any more. Saddam: To get back to WMDs. I mostly
sent them where they woulddo the most good. Keeping them in Iraq would have been utterlypointless. It wasn't about embarrassing the President and hisaides or calling intelligence into question, although it hasbeen great fun. It was just a simple strategic military move.Get them close to where I want them. Ed: Did you ever get the nukes you wanted? Saddam: Not the ones I originally wanted for my missiles. But Ihave bought quite a few neat little portable models. Osama splitan order with me. Ed: You've been talking with Osama? I thought you were enemies. Saddam: Like I was saying, Operation Iraqi Freedom changed a lotof things. We will probably never sit and drink tea together,but our conversation has been cordial and productive. He doesn'tneed half the funding that the frozen assets represent, but Itold him I'm ready to contribute anything he doesn't wanttraced. Did I tell you I am rich? Ed: I believe you did. What does Osama think of your disguise? Saddam: He thought it was clever. He asked if I'd send him mysurgeon. Ed: Did you? Saddam: Yes. They met at a Swiss hospital a couple months ago. Iasked him to send me a picture. He hasn't sent one. Ed: So how come you didn't leave Iraq when President Bush saidyou could have safe passage out? Saddam: He would have tried to kill me. And I'm not used tobeing told what to do. You understand. I thought it would bemuch safer if I waited a while and I thought it would be good tobe seen by friends in Iraq. If I had left when the Presidentsuggested, it would have looked like I was a coward, a scaredrabbit. Why would I want to do that? Friends needed my moralsupport and I wanted to give it - can't just run out on myfriends. Would President Bush do that? Ed: Not on his special friends anyway. So what is Osama doingfor you? Saddam: You have heard that there are now members of Al Qaedafighting in Iraq? They bombed the U.N. headquarters last month.I heard they are moving in a few thousand each month. They arewell trained so they don't need a lot of them to get the workdone. They could hardly wait to get to Iraq. My friends are intouch with them and they will be attacking with increasingfrequency. The non Iraqi civilian workers will have to leave,over the next few months, for lack of security. There won't beany Iraqi police in a few months either. Ed: I got a hunch just following the daily news that could bethe case. Saddam: Ed, my dinner is on the table, so I'll call you back ina few weeks. We'll discuss the news. Ed: Thanks for calling, Saddam. I look forward to hearing fromyou again.
About the author:A freelance writer published on many websites and in newspapers.edhowes@hotmail.com justanotherview.com
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